Once, when my husband, Tom, and we were arguing for something, I got so angry that I exclaimed, as a young boy angry: “You are a bad man!”
The conflict is “inevitable and normal in intimate relationships,” said Andrew Christensen, distinguished research professor of the UCLA Department of Psychology. But the way in which couples manage it is key to a healthy bond, he added.
There is a productive way of dealing with a conflict (attacking the problem instead of attacking each other, for example) and a useless way that fails to solve the fight or worsens it.
The insults, like the ones I did, enter the second category. (Luckily, Tom laughed, which made me laugh too, reluctantly).
Other unproductive habits? Criticism, defensive attitude, contempt and evasive, often known as the “four riders of relational apocalypse.”
But there are other warning signs that can arise when couples argue. I asked experts to share some, along with advice on what to do in their place.
Declare a winner and a loser
James Cordova, a professor of psychology at Clark University and author of “the conscious path to intimacy,” said their clients usually see fights as a zero sum game, with a clear winner and a loser. But that approach “is totally harmful to intimacy,” he said, because both parties end up feeling unsatisfied.
Instead of striving to win, said Dr. Cordova, try to think about the conflict as a puzzle that they are solving together. The goal is not to end first or win.
James A. Coan, a professor of psychology and neuroscientist at the University of Virginia, recommends adopting what negotiators call a “mutual benefit approach”, in which one focuses on finding common interests and generating solutions that benefit both. “Instead of dividing the cake, a larger one is built,” he said.
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Before a fight intensifies, rethink your mentality of “winning at all costs,” said Dr. Coan, considering: Do I want to be right or do we want us to be happy? Start by asking your partner about your position with genuine curiosity, he said. “That guides you towards understanding instead of victory,” concluded Dr. Coan.
Citing your therapist
If you have ever said phrases during a fight like: “My therapist believes that you are a narcissistic” or “my therapist told me that I should face you”, you are doing what Dr. Coan calls “cite authority.” That is belittling your partner by referring to the opinions of others, “so that you have no other option because you are not answering you, but to authority,” he explained.
And using what the therapist said during a fight, he added, is a “terrible strategy for emotional intimacy.”
If you feel the need to mention your therapist’s opinions, grant yourself in your own feelings, said Tracy Dalgyish, Ottawa psychologist who works with couples.
Dr. Dalgyish suggested asking: What motivates me to reinforce my argument? Why do I feel that I must insist more? What do I really need right now?
Then share what you need, he said, and leave your therapist’s comments outside.
‘Sméagol-Ing’
Dr. Cordova has noticed an alert signal that he has called “Sméagol-Ing”, based on a character from the movie “The Lord of the Rings” that changes “by aggressive Gollum to Sméagol Llorón”.
During a conflict, a person expresses his complaint, said Dr. Cordova, “and the other replies: ‘I know, I am the worst. I am a bad couple. I don’t even know why you are with me’”.
Instead of addressing the problem, said Dr. Cordova, “they simply surrender, like Sméagol.” And it is a tactic that distracts and dismisses the concern of the other person, he added. “What you are looking for is ‘Save Me’,” he added.
However, this behavior is not entirely liabilities, added Dr. Christensen. “It’s like saying: ‘Apparently I agree with you, but I am exaggerating what you say to the point that it becomes an attack into itself,” he said.
If your partner is doing sméagol, Dr. Cordova recommended that you respond with a mixture of compassion and honesty. Start by reaffirming your partner’s experience (“I know it is difficult to receive feedback; it costs me too”) and make sure you care. Then, you can reiterate that you need your partner to understand what you say and why it is important, he said.
If you are using Smeagol, practice resisting the impulse to surrender, stop focusing on yourself and directly address your partner’s concern, said Dr. Cordova.
While Dr. Cordova and I chatted about conflict strategies, he admitted that sometimes, when he and his partner have a discussion, he cites scientific research.
“So we will be in the heart of the matter,” he told me, “and I will tell him: ‘Well, you know, Schwartz and others did a study on this.’”
I confessed that I had done the same too. Then we agree that we probably shouldn’t do it anymore.
