“I lived it as a failure as a mother and a trauma for my children.” when Rocío López de la Chica, disseminator and journalist, began his separation process, he ranked with guilt, loneliness, uncertainty and lack of references or figures to accompany her during the process. Reason did not miss. Although society has more and more integrated that there is a wide variety of family models, cultural referents such as Disney and Hollywood still have strength in the collective imaginary, especially among the little ones. From Cinderella’s stepmother and her abusive stepsisters to the rejection and hooligradas of the seven leading children of The magical nanny To avoid father, there is a distorted and negative vision of families with separate parents who meet again with third parties.
It was precisely the lack of referents and the desire to have received support during their separation process that led Rocío to enter the world of parenting and become a disseminator and writer on education and ruptures. Although psychology and sociology use the term “rebuilt families”, Rocío prefers to use “linked families” to describe those that arise from the union of two people with children of previous relations. “Reconstructed sounds like something that broke, that hurts and try The avant -garde. All this addresses in his last book, The linked familyand in conversation with this newspaper.
Rocío López de la ChicaAssigned
From your experience, what has been the most difficult in the process of forming a linked family?
For me, the most difficult to form a linked family has to do with the couple’s children and with the ex -partner of the other party. They are factors on which we have no control. With my ex -partner or with my own children, I can decide how to face things, but the children of my partner and their ex -partner are much further from my scope of action, and my ability to influence is very limited. However, all that directly influences the relationship and the dynamics of the linked family. There are many factors at stake and you cannot handle them all, however conscious you are.
Before linking the family, the couple must ask uncomfortable questions
Rocío López de la Chica,Expert in separations
How can we control the situation and prevent these factors from acting against us?
- It is key that the couple is very close and solid. Communication is very important. That is why it is essential that, before starting coexistence or the process of linking the family, the couple is asked uncomfortable questions: what do you expect from the relationship with my children? What do I hope with yours? What limits do we put? What role do I want to assume with your children and you with mine? These are questions that we often avoid, but if they are not asked, each part from different expectations, and that is where conflicts begin.
It is essential to learn to put clear limits and protect the space of the new familyGetty Images
How can we talk about our partner’s children without exceeding certain limits?
I cannot tell my partner everything I think about their children, but how I feel in relation to them. And that is fundamental. We must give ourselves permission to express how we feel. Because what I feel about my partner’s children does not speak badly of them, but talks about me: my fears, my needs, my desires, my expectations. It is something that goes from the skin inward. The problem is that many times what we feel is frowned upon, it is uncomfortable, and we do not want to recognize it so as not to feel bad people, much less verbalize it for fear that they will think of us badly.
Loving your partner’s children from the zero minute is not realistic. They are not chosen, they are accepted
Rocío López de la Chica,Expert in separations
What do you think are the most frequent mistakes, in addition to communication problems, that couples commit when trying to build a new linked family?
One of the most common mistakes is not to have closed the previous relationship well. People are the result of everything we have lived and learned. That is why it is essential to honor what it was and recognize that this story is also part of us. Another very frequent mistake is to try to make a new and new account. When we do that, it is very easy to repeat the same mistakes of the past. That is why it is necessary to look back, learn from what has lived and choose to make it different and better in the present. And another very common mistake is to fall into the demand to love the couple’s children from the zero minute. That is not realistic. We couples chose ourselves as adults, but we do not choose the children of the other. The children are accepted. As in any relationship, the link is being built little by little.
Couple on a walk together walking through a field in Keswick, The Lakes. They are looking out at the view of the countryside, enjoying their staycation.Getty Images
What role should people play regarding the children of their new partner?
The first thing we should understand is that the stepfather or stepmother does not come to occupy the place of the mother or father. It is not about competing with those figures, and it is essential to be clear. The role of the new couple is different and needs time, listening and exploration. What the couple’s children need to feel is that nobody wants to take away the place of their mother or their father. They need to know that this new relationship is precisely new. So yes, a stepmother or stepfather can take a privileged place in the lives of these children, but that place is not imposed: it is built with time, respect, coherence and patience.
It is essential to learn to put clear limits and protect the space of the new family
Rocío López de la Chica,Expert in separations
And what needs or peculiarities does a linked family have in front of a traditional family?
An important difference is that in the traditional family the bond with their own children begins to forge even before their birth and deepens naturally over time. On the other hand, in a linked family, adults and children are unknown people to the beginning. There is no previous link; That bond must be built from scratch or, sometimes, from less one hundred, because there may be an adult “pollution”: that is, if the ex -partner has mismersted or generated rejection of the new relationship, the relationship with the children of the couple starts with disadvantage.
It is very important that each parent maintains moments of exclusivity with their own childrenGetty Images
Another big difference is the presence of one or two ex -partners. And if they are very invasive, they can generate great wear in the new couple. That is why it is essential to learn to put clear limits and protect the space of the new family.
What advice would you give to linked families where children don’t get along with each other?
The most important thing is not to force. Many times rivalry arises because they feel the pressure of having to get along from the beginning. And just as the couple has not chosen the children of the other, much less the children have chosen among them.
It is also very important that each parent maintains moments of exclusivity with their own children, without the need to do everything as a family. Wanting to function as a single block from the first day can tension more than joining in a linked family. We must make them feel clearly that the love for their own children is unique, different and unconditional, and that the love for the couple’s children is different.
The idea of the “half orange” starts from the conception that we are incomplete beings and we need another person to complete ourselves
Rocío López de la Chica,Expert in separations
Why do you think there is no “half orange” and how do you think we would change our way of living if we stop looking for the love of our life?
The idea of the “half orange” starts from the conception that we are incomplete beings and need another person to complete ourselves. From there, we are making a big mistake. We are not incomplete beings. If we start from that feeling of lack, we will look for someone to “make us better”, but this places us in a position of inferiority, which can generate emotional dependence. The key is to be aware that to realize we do not depend on another being. The goal is not to find an “half orange”, but a couple that complements us, to help us grow and be better in all aspects of life.
Just as the couple has not chosen the children of the other, much less the children have chosen among themFabio Prince
How can we maintain a relationship with our ex -partner and what would be the keys to ensure the success of our new family?
We have to overcome the duel of the previous relationship, avoid repeating the same mistakes we made and learn to differentiate the roles of man and woman, and mother and father. Many times, as a man or woman, I can feel very angry or hurt with that person, but it is important to recognize the father or mother that this person is for our children. For them, we are their “God” and her “goddess”, but although for us that person can be someone we don’t want to see more, we are still linked to our children.
What beliefs, myths or taboos about rebuilt families consider more harmful or limiting for the couple and for the environment in general?
Without a doubt, the most widespread – and the one who does the most – is the belief that a rebuilt family is a “less valid”, “second” family, and that generates a lot of suffering. It is a very installed idea in the collective unconscious that makes it greatly difficult for a person to feel at peace with his current family reality. I always say it: if we look at traditionally accepted families, many times what we find is a mother and a father with children, yes, but with smiles out and a lot of emotional distance inwards. Sometimes even with many non -visible conflicts. Therefore, the people who are part of linked families need to deconstruct the idea of ”ideal family” to be able to assess the new family model we are building.
