“At what point did being old become a reason for shame for women, at what point is the word old a rude word and do we have to use euphemisms?” she asks. Sexologist Flavia dos Santos believes that being a woman after 50 is “imprisoning” and makes a plea for the freedom and sexuality of “old women.”
In his new book Eve bit the apple. Manifesto of the adult woman (Without Borders, 2024), the Brazilian psychologist and sexologist does not hesitate to address an invisible reality such as old age for women, their sexuality and their way of seeing the world.
“For a very sexist issue, for our patriarchal world and with that misogynistic language They make women go to places of invisibility, almost so as not to bother. And then one begins to assume that one is an old woman and one begins to feel more and more trapped in a cage (…) Because old is the place that the other puts you, it is not the number, it is not the age,” she says.
Added to this is a double standard: “A woman at 30 is old; a man at 50 is mature (…) Women are trapped on all sides, in fashion, in gastronomy, in language and choices, in the places they frequent, because there are places that are not for older women.”
“Of a 50-year-old woman who dies, they say ‘poor thing, she died so young, she had so much life left’; A 50-year-old woman who puts on a miniskirt and goes to dance is a ridiculous old woman. who does not live in accordance with his age and does not see that he is too old for that,” Dos Santos recounts in his book.
Infantilization and sexuality after age 50
Dos Santos discovered “with impact” the infantilization of older people in a context of ageism.
“People treat you like you’re a total idiot: ‘Oh, grandpa, do you want a cup of coffee? Sit here quietly’ (…) You are canceling a life and knowledge to treat a person over 65 years old as childish and I would call it an idiot.” describes the psychologist.
In response to this, Dos Santos makes a plea to “build a narrative” for yourself. “Since patriarchy is the method, machismo is the system and misogyny is the language, we get used to believing that after a certain age our libido and sexuality go away,” but she strongly denies this: “it’s not true.”
“What is an old woman? A woman who thinks for herself is a woman who enjoys herself, who has orgasms,” the expert certifies.
And faced with this imposition of loss of libido, there are two ways to deal with it: “There is a group of women who say no more and end up in what we call ‘gray divorce’, which is increasing more and more,” to the point of call her “gray divorce revolution”.
There is another group that locks itself in and says: “‘I’m old enough, sex is not for me’, but it is a very cowardly way of not wanting to assume one’s own desires, of surrendering again to that patriarchy.”
How does feminism address old age?
The book is, in addition to a “manifesto for freedom”, a “call for attention to younger people, especially women, because it is we women who put others in the place of old people, who try to isolate them. from society out of fear, because they are showing us signs of our old age,” that we will get there.
“Feminism neglects older women a lot, it goes to a certain stage, I see a lack of support, of movement, “literature supporting feminists to older women,” she says, and that is why she advocates “broadening the perspective of feminism a little more and giving a hand to those women of 60, 65 and 70 years old who are trying to inspire us and give us freedom, and not keeping them there silent.”
Dos Santos continues to build his own narrative, trying to escape from what he defines as “eternal limbo.” “You don’t know if you are old for that or young for that, you don’t know if there is permission for that or permission for that,” He says, although he hopes that one day that “permission” will no longer have to exist, because on the other side there is “quality of life.”
Meanwhile, still abhors the euphemism “senior citizen” and her voice does not tremble when she pronounces the word “old.” (F)
