It’s easier said than done. How many times have we heard this very true phrase. There are many people with proposals who do not consider the cost of carrying them out or how difficult it is. Then comes the time to put them into practice and everything is problems.
But do you know that exactly the opposite can happen? Make it easier to start doing things because we don’t know how to say no; that is we do not know how to refuse when faced with an idea that seems excessive to us, with which we do not agree or that is simply going to take us a lot of time and effort. And all for do not create unnecessary conflicts.
It happens more often than we think and to many more people than one might think. That’s what psychologists are warning us. Luckily (and since we are talking about clichés), great evils come with great remedies. The experts bring us the magic word that solves everything.
Who must practice refusal
It seems incredible that, being one of the shortest words we have in Spanish, sometimesIt’s so hard to pronounce: ‘no’. This is what the experts point out. “Saying no seems easy a priori; However, it is one of the greatest difficulties that we encounter in consultation“, he explained the psychologist Natalia Francofrom the Human Area clinical center.
You should not believe that it means having a selfish or unsocial attitude. There are times when it is important not to access everything. Who finds it harder to say no? There are some profiles of people who, for various reasons, have more difficulty refusing:
- More accommodating personality. Those who like to please others without setting limits. There is even a related pathology: good girl syndrome (in feminine because it is much more common in women). Those people who prioritize the needs of others before their own.
- If you have low self-esteem. If you lack willpower to set limits or express your own needs.
- If you avoid confrontation. Sometimes, in order not to have fights or start arguments, you reluctantly agree, thinking that giving in on everything is the lesser evil.
- People afraid of not being accepted. If you fear disappointing, being perceived as selfish or uninvolved. Sometimes behind it there are previous negative experiences that have now made us see that saying no is a mistake.
- If you lack the ability to say it. Assertiveness is the ability of each person to know how to communicate to defend your ideas or your rights. What is said “have good lips”. There are people that They don’t have assertiveness, they don’t know how to communicate well, some end up being very aggressive and others end up being very passive. In this second group are those who do not know how to say no.
- People with emotional dependence. If you are in a difficult relationship or directly with a toxic person, they may be emotionally blackmailing you and manipulating you so that you cannot say no. If you think you can’t live without that person, you will give in on everything.
How do I know if I have a hard time saying no?
As you can see, these are situations that assume that you are having a inferiority situation. The blame one way or another falls on you. And it shouldn’t be like that.
It is not always easy to recognize yourself in any of these groups of people. There is a couple of clues that can tell us that it is difficult for us to say no:
- If we justify ourselves excessively. We tell ourselves “I don’t care”, “it’s not that important”. Even though it makes us uncomfortable to force ourselves to do something, we see it as a lesser evil.
- If it makes us feel angry, disappointed or guilty. That is, if you are questioning yourself that what you wanted to do was say no and you haven’t.
What effect does it have to always say yes?
“Not saying has no consequences and affects us in some way”warns psychologist Franco. This avoidant style, that of accessing everything, has as a consequence the loss of control over our life. Not being ourselves.
Then that feeling of low self-esteem appears, feelings of helplessness and that it is others who manage our lives and our responses, which lead many people to see a psychologist.
They can also generate headache, anxiety, chronic stress, For example. They are somatizations due to that lack of control and self-obligation to constantly please others.
On a personal level, the couple relationship can also be deteriorated. You may feel that you do not share goals and desires, that you lack personal fulfillment. It is not always because the other person is manipulative or toxic, as we pointed out. It could simply be a couple misunderstand your attitude because you have not expressed yourself sincerely.
How to learn to say no
“We must understand that saying no is a legitimate act; that is, it makes us express our autonomy and independence”explains Franco. This psychologist highlights that people who learn to say no are surprised that, instead of causing rejection, they encounter respect and admiration for being assertive in those social situations.
Some strategies to make it easier for you say they are not:
- Don’t think that you are like that. Saying no is a skill. You practice and learn to say no. Start by convincing yourself that you will be able to say it more and better each time.
- Manage emotions. It’s easy for us to feel guilty or ashamed when saying no. That is why it is important that we understand that these emotions can work against us. Analyze them and overcome them.
- Use the sandwich technique. It is important how we say no so as not to bother. This technique may help you. “It consists of expressing a negative message, but starting with a positive message and empathizing with the other.”explains Franco. An example would be to say “I understand that you can’t do it alone; I would love to give you a hand, as I have done other times, but…”
- Practice the art of delay. If you don’t know how to say no right away, answer that you’re going to think about it or check your calendar. It will help you reconsider.
- Remember your rights. Sometimes we forget that we also have the right to give our opinion, to not do something that we do not like or that overloads us with work and obligations beyond our limits. The key is to do it respectfully, but firmly.
