Where to talk to a teenager: choose the place well, because it is key

Space counts. The place in the house chosen to chat with your children, especially when it comes to teenagers, greatly determines the success of the conversation. Not just any place is worth it. A place is necessary where kids feel comfortable and can express their feelings freely and truly, with their hearts in their hands. The kitchen and bedroom are usually preferred by the youngest. Mothers, furthermore, know that there is another place where they let loose and cut at will. Write it down: it’s the car!

A pioneering study carried out by the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign (United States) has determined the environmental settings in which adolescents and their mothers feel most comfortable to chat. The work has been carried out with a hundred boys and girls. Their mothers also participated, not their fathers, because it is understood that they are generally the main caregivers, those who spend more time with them and who tend to be more involved in their children’s daily activities. It doesn’t always happen, but usually, yes. The conclusions of the work will be very practical for families who have children in the age of silence and intimacy.

“It is a very interesting job because it focuses on the importance of choosing the right space to achieve quality communication with your children,” highlights psychologist Silvia Garrigos, member of the Governing Board of the Official College of Psychology of Madrid. According to the expert, all the work of this type carried out to date focused on the importance of architecture and design for the management and well-being of certain groups. Psychologists often contribute their point of view in the design, for example, of spaces designed to protect older people from imposed loneliness or in the creation of friendly environments for children who are victims of abuse. But curiously, until now, work had never been done on how to promote communication within the family through the environment.

Task time

It is not an inconsequential aspect, according to Garrigos. Today’s frenetic pace of life leaves fewer and fewer opportunities for the family to share their time and concerns. When you come home from work, it’s all tasks. Today’s dinner, tomorrow’s meal, clothes, the house… Furthermore, the place where people traditionally talked the most at home, where they shared, became intimate and lived, was the kitchen. But not anymore. “The kitchens. Except in the towns, they are built smaller and smaller,” and, consequently, they invite less and less dialogue and trust.

Even so, this continues to be, according to the North American study, the meeting ground for children and their mothers, the space where both agreed on their choices. “If you have the opportunity to participate in the design of the home, it may be interesting to think about giving a certain amount of space to the space where the family gathers to eat and talk about their daily lives,” explains the specialist. What it is about is turning the kitchen into what it always was: a space of common interest in a trustworthy and friendly environment for all members of the clan.

The kids also like their own room, “their safe space,” considers the psychologist from Madrid. Her mothers, on the other hand, prefer the car. They understand that when you pick them up from school or take them somewhere, such as training, it can be a good time to talk and delve into their worries and desires. The interior of the vehicle, where it is more difficult for eyes to meet, allows, according to them, the conversation to flow better and is less intimidating.

The three spaces – kitchen, bedroom, car – provide ideal moments for socializing, but they are not the only ones. Families with only one child prefer the living room, a generally large space, where there are no more siblings and no one will interrupt.

When clothes are folded

Daily routines also provide good occasions for in-depth conversation. Beyond lunch or dinner, you can always take advantage of the time when you are folding ironed clothes or, if they are still small, when you tuck them into bed to go to sleep. The little ones tend to be very prone to messing around in these circumstances. The night, the magic hour of stories and songs, even helps for the future. “When they reach adolescence, they will change, but the foundation will have been laid for conversations to continue taking place,” recalls the lead author of the work, Dina Izenstark.

The study was done with high-income families, which means that its results may not be applicable to those where one parent works a third shift, there are several siblings, or the home is too small. Even so, each family must know how to apply their own habits to promote communication. The rest will come easily.